I just had dinner with my roommate and we had an interesting conversation about relationships and identity, and I thought it would be interesting to further explore this topic. Having a relationship seems to impact one's identity more than most people would like to think. People like to say that they are the same person with or without their significant other, but, its just not true. For instance, my friend and I were discussing another friend of ours who recently began a relationship, and within one week her personality remarkably changed. She has become optimistic, enthusiastic, and happy from her normal pessimistic, cynical, and sad. This is of course a great improvement, but why did it take a guy to change her identity and how did he do it. This may be explained by using Cooley's looking glass self, or seeing yourself how you think other people see you. If this theory of identity is true it explains why she would be more confident. She sees that he is interested in her and thus may have begun to see herself more has the positive opinions that he tells her he thinks of her. Another possible explanation for this change in identity may come from Mead's interactional self. Her social self is changing based on the new social environment she is in, with her new boyfriend, and the judgments he makes of her. This change to her social self may not necessarily be a lasting change in identity though, it may just be a situational or temporal change.
The same situation applies in the opposite scenario. When a relationship ends, a person becomes very emotional and sad, even if they know for a fact the relationship would not have worked out in the end or could not have been saved. A possible explanation for this could be a feeling of the loss of losing a part of one's identity. After spending a lot of time with someone you begin to really care about them and sometimes even think like them. When this ends, one may feel as if a part of them is gone, which is probably the hardest feeling to get over. In this case, people are defining themselves based on their relationships, which can be good or bad and cycle like a rollercoaster. When their relationships are working they see themselves one way and when they are not they see themselves entirely differently. My friend that I was having this conversation with fully admits that her emotions are based on how things are going with her boyfriend. Although, I was really upset when my previous boyfriend and myself broke up, I find this idea to be sad. I feel a person's identity should not be based on another individual, but yet when you spend so much time with that person it is hard for them not to become a part of your identity. Perhaps we more frequently experience static shifts in our identity due to our relationships with those close to us.
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Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI think it is very interesting the way you have used Cooley and Mead's theories to investigate relationships. Although it may be unfortunate the way peoples' identities can change so dramatically with the beginning or ending of romantic relationships, these relationships are just more intense versions of the relationships we have with our family, friends, and aquaintences. Perhaps this is just further support for the theory of the social self, and that our identities are created by our interactions with other people. When a relationship ends, or you lose touch with a person that you were used to interacting with frequently, a part of your identity does disappear according to the theories of the social self. Imagine if ALL of the relationships you have with other people one day disappeared-- I think that most people would not know what to do, how to act, or who they even were. It's also interesting the things we learn from the relationships we are in- someone once told me that people don't date to find someone they are compatable with, but to learn about themselves. I also think it's interesting when people do not want to enter relationships because they want to "work on themselves" or learn more about themselves. Perhaps this is evidence against the "social self" theory- that people need to not interact closely with another person in order to learn more about themselves. This stuff is certainly interesting to think about...!
Hey Amanda!
ReplyDeleteI think you bring up some interesting points here. I was actually in a relationship a while ago and people around me, especially my family, told me that I was not the same person around them as I was without a girlfriend. Now that I am not with that person anymore, they said my "old self" is back and I laugh a lot more, which is good. I think using other people to validate our self-worth is very risky since it not only draws strength away from you as an individual, but also the other person is determining how you feel. I have learned a lot since being out of a relationship and truth be told, the break-up was the best thing that could have happened to me. Whenever someone bases their identity and sense of self of who they are off of another person, they are in for an emotional rollercoaster. I know it is hard to not attach a portion of one's identity to that other significant individual, but it is not good for one person in the relationship to validate another's worth. It is sad that many relationships people are in depend on this. I think you are on the right track now that you have realized that having someone to validate your sense of self-worth is extremely shallow. With or without a romantic relationship, we should be confident and happy with who we are-not pessimistic! Have a great day.
Kip
How reflective about our society today! I believe that this is an underlying problem in our society that often people value themselves and create an identity based upon their relationship with others. I found it incredibly interesting that you related this to Cooley. Maybe this suggests that it is almost socialized in people today to react to a rejection by someone else in this way. Perhaps this suggests something about developmental psychology even in the way that children are realized. I really enjoyed reading this, and perhaps the next time I fall into this trap as your friend has, I will catch myself and be less apt to do it! Sometimes I think it is the recognition that is important in identifying a problem and not repeating it!
ReplyDelete--Amanda D.
These are really good observations. I am struck by Kip's description of post-relationship identity as something that snaps back-- like the social nature of these identities are elastic. I'm thinking about that some, and it seems this is sometimes true and sometimes not. Sometimes there is something about the social identity function that recenters the self, something that deludes and confuses, something that revises. I wonder if there is a way to understand how these work. Would these ideas influence psychological studies of interpersonal relationships?
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